I was floundering for a topic this week when I came across an unfinished list I’d started a while back regarding the parameters of male friendship for a guy my age. Have you heard the White Stripes’ song “We’re Going to Be Friends”? Well just insert a “Not” between the “We’re” and the “Going” if you check too many boxes on this list of preliminaries. Needless to say, my circle of friends can fit onto a pin’s head, but you really only need a couple of pretty good ones.
So here we go…things guys do that make me skeptical of them as a suitable companion:
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Wear a shoulder bag
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Have a tailfin on the back of their car
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Have an energy drink sticker on their car
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Wear too much cologne
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Can’t take a joke
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Wear a puka shell necklace or choker
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Unbutton their shirt way too far
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Never carry any cash
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Don’t pay off bets in a timely fashion
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Take themselves way too seriously
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Lie reflexively
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Use meth
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Use a different, higher voice when talking to women
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Spend too much time in front of the mirror at the gym.
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Type their posts in angry ALL CAPS
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Wear capris
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Root for the Yankees—or Patriots
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Wear a tank top out to a nice dinner
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Have a mullet (currently…”had a mullet in the ‘80’s” is forgiven)
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Pull out a Velcro wallet
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Randomly pantomime their golf swing
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Have braces as an adult man
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Don’t like dogs
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Claim they’ve never masturbated with a straight face
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Have a wet, limp handshake
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Don’t follow politics
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Continue to gel-spike their thinning hair
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Wear gold medallions
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Wear multiple bohemian bracelets
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Have a neck tattoo without ever being in a band, on a major league roster or been in prison.
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Live alone with more than one cat
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Don’t pay their child support
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Wear unlaced high tops
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Sport an unironic mustache
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Wear oversized glasses with gold rims
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Don’t attempt to dunk when encountering an 8-foot rim
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Listen to soft country
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Listen to dance/trance
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Wax their eyebrows
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Can’t reenact scenes from “Stepbrothers” or “Tommy Boy”
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Don’t read books
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Groan while they urinate or while in a stall
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Have a cocky personalized license plate
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Are a flat-Earther
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Are homophobic
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Drive a car littered with fast food and condom wrappers
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Talk about their keto diet
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Claim to have a much smaller waistline than they actually do
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Request you roll up the window because their hair is getting messed up
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Don’t get Larry David or Peter Griffin
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Ever turn down AC/DC
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Request egg white omelettes
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Ask to borrow your toenail clippers when entering your home
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Did I mention too much cologne?
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Don’t wear deodorant
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Are a speed walker
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Take small, delicate bites
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Wear short shorts
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Sport a denim jacket while also wearing jeans. Negative bonus points for acid wash.
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Don’t know how to grill
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Can’t name five famous SNL skits
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Would refuse a game of Monopoly
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Order pizza without meat on it
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Don’t laugh at fart jokes
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Show up anywhere with a fanny pack
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Tie a sweater around their shoulders
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Store their sunglasses on the back of their neck, in their man-cleavage or on top of their hat brim
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Are unable to conjure an amusing anecdote
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Still go clothes shopping with their mother—and let her buy
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Sport a combover or bad plugs
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Go jogging in marble sack running tights
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Heavy sigh near my face
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Point out babies in the crowd at a football game
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I had “wears a kilt” until I found out one of my friends has one (hi Greg)
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Tries to start “The Wave” at games
Well, this has been fun—it’s much easier to create a long list while Watching t.v. than it is to attempt clever, coherent prose. Sadly, most of these entries are culled from actual people I’ve met over the years—and I waaaayy exceeded my original target of 50 items. Now if you can actually navigate this edict of elitist fussiness, perhaps you should contact Eli Sports for your tryout coffee. But don’t get your hopes up—the list is ever expanding. Good day to you, sir.
Elisportsnetwork.com
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